Poseidon(2006) - Newton Rolls In His Grave

Remakes. They haunt us like a plague these days. Somehow, I believe that remakes are just another way film developers intend to make easy money. Take a good ol' movie and make a remake out of it which sucks out our love for those classics. If New Jersey is the armpit of the U.S, then remakes are creeping turds that are coming out of the other end of the film industries. Don't get me wrong, I do like certain remakes which have proved to be good such as Let Me In, Bram Stoker's Dracula and The Thing.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing for Wolfgang Petersen's Poseidon.

The MS Poseidon, a luxury cruise ship, is on a year-end transatlantic crossing to New York (presumably from London, as one of the characters mentions it) . Jennifer (Emmy Rossum) is with her fiancé, Christian (Mike Vogel), and they consider how to tell Jennifer’s father, former New York City Mayor Robert Kamsey (Kurt Russell), bout their engagement. In the galley, stowaway Elena (Mia Maestro) searches for her friend, a waiter named Valentine (Freddy Rodriguez). Architect Richard Nelson (Richard Dreyfuss) is making a phone call to his estranged lover. In the grand ballroom, Captain Michael Bradford (Andre Braugher) delivers a New Year’s speech before introducing the singer, Gloria (Stacy Ferguson). Dylan (Josh Lucas), a professional gambler, and Robert play Texas Hold 'Em with Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon). On the bridge, officers see a 200-foot rogue wave coming towards them, while everyone celebrates the New Year countdown. On the promenade deck, Nelson, who is contemplating suicide, sees the wave and retreats inside. Though the crew on the bridge sounds warning alarms and turns hard to starboard to meet the wave head-on, the Poseidon turns too slowly and is hit broadside, rolling over and capsizing. The survivors are left to fight for survival as they attempt to escape the sinking ship.

The original film in 1972 was a classic and was one of the best disaster films of all time. Its edgy, its fun, and its full of heart. Its remake, however, is lazy, annoying, and full of crap. Poseidon provides a new low in the disaster movie genre, offering no originality, an irritating plot, and painfully distracting CGI. That's how one summarize this film.

So, the movie began with a bland underwater title sequence. Seriously, its so bland and boring you can make it even more interesting by including the soundtrack "Under The Sea" by The Little Mermaid. To be honest, its like they want me to make fun of it. We then cut off to Jennifer and her father, Robert where Robert plays a little game called "Cliche Father 101" with her daughter just because her daughter is a little bit into her fiance. However, this shows no relevance with the whole movie as the plot goes on! Another character, Valentine sneaks his friend, Elena, on board so that Elena can find her missing brother at whichever place the ship is heading to. You might think that tis goes somewhere. It never does. Richard Dreyfuss who plays Nelson, whom I swear to God, has a boner for any movie involving water (Jaws, Piranha 3D), is some gay depressed individual whose boyfriend dumped him, I don't know. Because of this, he tries to commit suicide by jumping off the ship but stops when he sees some poorly CGI rogue wave coming towards the ship.

Now, the fun starts. Fun that involves weak CGI and defiance towards the laws of Physics, that is. I mean, come on, Wolfgang Petersen did this movie. He perfected a rogue wave in The Perfect Storm. WHAT HAPPENED HERE? He also screwed up with the physics here! When a rogue wave APPROACHES a ship, the ship is sucked TOWARDS it, significantly. It DOES NOT stay put! So, obviously, the wave crashes into the ship and capsizes it, causing the death of many passengers, including some morons in the swimming pool on the deck of the ship. I mean, c'mon, did they not see the wave approaching them? Did they not hear the alarm which clearly said "Brace for immediate impact"? Either this movie sucks, or this cruise line was for the mentally incompetent. I'd also like to point out that the wave in this scene was impossible. Its proceding from the raised end of the pool and continues downwards. All water rises from the BOTTOM end of a tilting vessel! The captain of the ship tells the guests to stay put when he knows well enough that the ballroom will flood because the glass windows will crack due to water pressure? 25 minutes in, and I feel dumb already.

Dylan, the only character who plans to get out of the ballroom immediately, is then confronted by ALL the other main characters at the SAME time due to plot convenience. Now, here, Dylan is being an arrogant douchebag who only wants to save himself and not the others since "he works better on his own". What? How are we supposed to root for him when he's acting this way? Thor is arrogant too, but at least he's charming enough to pull it off. So far, the movie established him as a protagonist that craves for women and only cares about himself. Its only after Valentine reveals that he knows the ship structure well enough, then only Dylan agrees to let them come along with him.

So, we came to a scene where Nelson and Valentine are hanging from a ledge and Dylan is trying to pull both of them up. Unfortunately, Valentine fell off and died. Remember how Gene Hackman reacted when the guy who played Valentine(I can't remember) died in the original? He actually gave a damn. Dylan shrugs it off like it was NOTHING. There is a scene where Dylan dives into a body of water of oil, engine parts, and fire in order to make a bridge using a fire hose (don't ask). Gene Hackman died this way in the original and he survived without a scratch? He should have died on impact! How did this happen? Dont give me that answer "Because he used to be in the navy" as mentioned in the earlier parts of this movie. The audience who paid to watch this movie might not be the brightest people on Earth, but they're not stupid either!

Overall, this movie has major problems with consistency (Jennifer wears a ring on her finger, but 5 minutes later, she said the ring is in her back pocket), useless character plot (Elena is so determined to search for her younger brother, but she died halfway through the movie. What?), and non-sensical physics-defying acts (ballast tanks take water from the ocean through the bottom of the ship. If the ship is capsized and isn't fully submerged, where the hell is the water coming from?? Not to mention that the ship is now upside down, the ballast tanks wouldn't even function properly. HERE, THE BALLAST TANKS WORK FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON). There is also a scene where they flooded a whole room just to rise to the top. DO YOU KNOW HOW COLD THE WATER IS WHEN YOU TRAVEL BY SEA FROM LONDON TO NEW YORK ON NEW YEAR'S EVE? They would die due to hypothermia if they stay in the water for too long! Ney York is a winter wonderland at this time of the year!

Overall, this movie does not have that much of a problem with the script and audio-wise, they're not that bad. However, in other aspects, they just failed. If they are not messing with the laws of physics, they're messing with the laws of logics. The character development goes nowhere. We don't see the relevance of their history or past events with the plot of this film! This movie is a waste, seriously. Newton must be rolling in his grave right now.

Rating: 1/5 stars
Next movie review: Twilight (Yes)
Expectations: It won't be a sparkling review, that's for sure.