Twilight - Because I Have Nothing Better To Do Than Moping

To start off, yes, Twihard fans, I've read the novel written by Stephanie Meyer. However, I have never seen this movie from start to finish. I've only seen bits of it and that is because my relatives watch them on DVD and I happened to be there at that particular moment. So, I can never really comment or speculate on the movie itself since I never fully watched it, until today. I decided to watch the movie for myself to see what is up with the hype associated with this movie. If I'm not mistaken, this movie came out in 2008 and at that time, I was still studying in Matrics. I always go out to watch a movie EVERY weekend but I never watched this one before for whatever reason I don't even know. So, yes, I decided to watch this movie on my laptop today with an open mind.

Well..... This movie is just plain wrong.

Isabella "Bella" Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves from sunny Phoenix, Arizona to rainy Forks, Washington to live with her father, Charlie, while her mother, Renee, travels with her new husband, Phil Dwyer, a minor league baseball player. Bella attracts much attention at her new school and is quickly befriended by several students. Much to her dismay, several boys compete for her attention. When Bella is seated next to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) in class on her first day of school, Edward seems utterly repulsed by her. He disappears for a few days, but warms up to Bella upon his return. Soon, Bella found out that Edward is a vampire even though they only drink animal blood rather than that of human's. Over time, they fall in love with each other as their relationship develops.

First up, I wanna say a thing or two about the atmosphere of this movie. Is Forks really that dull and dark in real life? I mean, this place looks so boring. Everything is either blue, green or black in this movie. Oh, except for the Cullen clan's skin which is pale white. No wonder the people in this movie are always so emo. Yes, Forks is a place where it rains a lot, but still, it looks BORING. My eyes hurt while watching this movie, seriously. However, this isn't the major problem of the movie, obviously.

The main problem, as it turns out, is the following:

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE VAMPIRES IN THE MOVIE?! The author of the novel itself, Stephanie Meyer, completely raped the vampires here and turned them into moping, emo pussies. Vampires do not turn VEGETARIAN! They feed on human blood! By calling them vegetarian, don't expect me for one second to believe your bullcrap about them turning towards animal blood for delicacy instead of human's. I'll say it again, Twilight is a movie where everyone is emo. High school kids moping in the parking lot, teenage girls eating with their fathers in the diner while moping, and emo vampires walking around in broad daylight. Let me say it again: EMO. VAMPIRES. I was never a big fan of vampires, but I do acknowledge their way of looking cool as well as their awesomeness. Just take a look at this:

And this,

Hell, even this:

However, all those characteristics of a vampire were dumbed down to this:

An emo vampire. Seriously, would somebody PLEASE rip a throat out or something? Yeah, I know its a movie for young adults, but really, why make a vampire movie when you can't see any real vampire action? Its like making a Jaws movie without the shark itself. As a result, Twilight is boring at a level that's unforgivable. Edward leaves Bella for a while because he is intoxicated with the scent of Bella's blood and that is a problem, because...? YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! To top it all off, these so-called vampires sparkle in sunlight. SPARKLE! you burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, you morons. Not sparkle like some gay Kei$ha reject. See, Stephanie Meyer got this idea of writing this story because she dreamt of it, and the movie developers went through all the trouble to come out with this crapstorm.

Next, the dialogue. Granted, it is not that bad. However, it made me cringe whenever Bella talked to Edward. Both of this people have only ONE facial expression whenever they talk to each other. Whenever they did smile, its not a smile. Its more like a smirk, or rather, a retard expression of a smile. These two main characters are so wooden and the way they talk is not natural. I'm sorry, but in real life, nobody talks like that. I understand that Bella develops feelings towards this guy and it is also understandable that she might be shy and talk awkwardly to Edward because of that. However, this is not one of those kind of "talks". Bella talks to Edward like a drunk Mary Sue (Yes, again, a Mary Sue) and Edward talks to her like some kind of pedophile (Considering the difference between their ages, he might as well qualify to be a pedophile himself). Bella's father is, of course, a father that portrays all the cliche characteristics of a father, but its not AS bad.

This movie is beyond ridiculous. Also, this is not a movie to be watched by fans of the vampire genre. I just know that they will curse S.Meyer with all their heart. Even though I am not a vampire fan, I still know that they don't put body glitter and sparkle in sunlight. Edward even has the balls to say that whatever is known about vampires are actually myths and nothing about them can be compared to whatever the Cullen clan in this movie portray. There is one scene that shows the Cullen clan, along with Bella plays baseball. Now, I can understand that if this activity is one of those get-together kind of activity. But, can you explain to me why the hell are they in baseball uniforms? Why? Why must they do that? Nobody watches them play, let alone the fact that they play this game when it is about to rain. Another thing I have to complain is about the choreography in this movie. For instance, the scene where Edward fights James is like something that came out of a Saturday morning cartoon show (cue Power Rangers music) and even that is way better.

This movie rapes the awesomeness of vampires, messes the dialogue between Bella and Edward, screws with logic and has laughable action scenes. So why the 2.5 rating and not lower? Well, its everything else, actually. The dialogues other than those between Bella and Edward are okay because it is only at those moments where they speak like normal humans, albeit a little bit emo. At least the other characters try their best while their acting to make the movie look a little bit more cheerful. I can see the effort, but its just not enough to be a saving grace. James and his friends (I forgot their names by the end of this movie) look like Black Eyed Peas rejects but at least they are menacing enough and they are the closest to being a REAL vampire. Notice I didn't mention Jacob's character played by Taylor Lautner in the synopsis. That's because he has such a minor role in this movie, it is not even worth mentioning.

Sigh.. This movie is a disappointment in terms of whatever I have mentioned previously. A premise of a human falling in love with a vampire is commendable, but if the vampires themselves are stripped down to their lowest and the human looks stoned, how can I possibly buy that? Its just not natural. This is the only Twilight book I've read and I'm not gonna read the others. I'll be watching New Moon sometime soon but I still remember that I fell asleep halfway while watching that movie last time. Its directed by Chris Weitz. Hmmmm... where have I heard that name before?

Oh God..

Rating: 2.5/5

Next movie/game review: Still haven't decided